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A Thousand Years

February 28, 2012

A Thousand Years – Christina Perri

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

4 months

February 27, 2012

As of yesterday, I’ve been divorced (officially and legally finalized) for four months. The first three months, I noticed. Yesterday, I did not – in fact, I didn’t notice until someone in my support group asked how people felt 3, 6, 9 months or a year out – and I thought, “How long has it been now?” and checked the date.

I’m doing well, but I’m also aware that the next month and a half will bring a lot of “antiversaries” for me. Hopefully awareness can translate into handling them in an emotionally mature way.

ps – “antiversary” and “wasband” are two jargon-y words that I find to be awesome.

Resentment

February 17, 2012

One thing I still struggle with, despite the overwhelming number of people who tell me how positive my spin on life is right now, is resentment. I think this is normal, to an extent. I had a life and lifestyle expectations built around that life before all of this happened. When a marriage ends, it’s not just the heart that goes through turmoil.

I’m currently working and comfortably supporting myself, but my job is just a job – not a career – and I’ve got a constant eye on what else is out there. Many of the positions that appeal to me would mean accepting a significant pay cut. This is partially due to the fact that the nonprofit sector appeals to me, and partially that looking for a position that allows for more upward mobility than my current job (which offers none) might mean a lateral move is not an option – I might need to go down half a rung, to get in the door.

While job hunting, it’s hard to balance the desire to do work that one is passionate about, versus paying the bills at the end of every month. The latter cares for the body, the former for the soul.

Too often in the last several weeks, I’ve caught myself thinking along the lines of, “If I were still married, we would have his salary and mine would be more negotiable.” Obviously, it’s never easy to take a pay cut or to adjust your lifestyle downwards and thinking in “if only”s is not a productive way to move through life, but it’s a cycle that’s easy to get caught in.

I’m just frustrated with online applications, writing cover letters, and wondering when the soul crushing monotony will end.

Roses

February 14, 2012

An innocuous call from the receptionist, asking me to come to the front desk to pick up a package that had come for me interrupted my afternoon, and I don’t think I ever quite got back on track.

Two dozen red roses, carefully nestled between layers of paper lay in a long box, with a vase at the bottom. One of my work friends helped me open it and got the roses out. We giggled some. I blushed a lot.

Uploaded from the Photobucket Android App

Never have I had flowers delivered to me before, in a box or otherwise. Rarely have I been given flowers at all by the men in my life – I think my high school best friend and I used to give each other flowers more frequently than I’ve gotten them from any significant other.

Six weeks into a new relationship makes valentine’s an awkward holiday, and we’d agreed on no gifts. He sent me flowers at work. I baked him brownies. We’re going to dinner in half an hour, and every time I see these roses on my desk or catch a whiff of their fragrance, all I think is how excited I am to see him.

He makes me feel special, valued, cherished. Not just with roses on valentines, but with his words and actions each time I see him.

I like this one.

Commitment

February 10, 2012

Before you commit to the idea of being in a long-term relationship with someone, maintain the commitment you should have to yourself that requires you to act in your own best interests. Always.

I think in the past, a problem I had with relationships was putting the proverbial cart before the horse. Expressing interest meant a relationship, and a relationship meant a future.

When I listen to people talk about some of their dating angst, often with people they’ve known for all of a hot minute, I’d be forgiven for thinking that they must be shackled to what are practically strangers for all of eternity. This isn’t a hostage situation – it’s a discovery situation, mutual discovery at that.

Relationships take time to grow and develop. People take time to get to know. Commitment isn’t a choice you make – it comes with time. (Clarification: Exclusivity is a choice you make.)

I used to think that exclusivity and commitment were the same thing. They’re not. Exclusivity just means you aren’t seeing or seeking other people. Commitment means you have a future together, and an obligation to work on things towards that end.

Early dates are hard for me. I don’t like them, because I don’t feel like myself. I feel like a polished, prettier, more engaging version of myself – and when I get home, a drained, tired, deflated version of myself, empty after so much effort to be better than I am. It’s not about trying to be someone I’m not; it’s about the fact that without commitment, the person on the other side of the table isn’t obligated to deal with my flaws and imperfections, so I hide them. I go into job interview mode – which is exhausting to maintain.

Over time though, commitment grows. The longer you’re with someone, the more likely you are to put up with their quirks.

I’ve been seeing someone exclusively for about a month now, and this week has been filled with “one month in confessions” – I don’t know my right from my left, I spend an inordinate number of Saturday mornings watching the river otters at the zoo, I drink coffee because I secretly like feeling like I’m on speed occasionally. Things I wouldn’t tell someone on a first date, but things that are a part of who I am. And because we’re a month in, with month-in appropriate confessions, they don’t scare him away. (Neither have any of his scared me away.) Small as it is, we’ve developed a level of commitment.

But it’s an appropriate level. It’s not talking about the future, even six months down the road, just because we’ve been together a month. It’s not making plans beyond the next few weekends. It’s not taking space in each others’ medicine cabinets.

Dating is a discovery phase – you can walk away at any time and equally you have the power to opt into what you want to.

We are still discovering each other, and we are choosing to opt-in – slowly and appropriately.

Quotes from Baggage Reclaim.

Change

February 2, 2012

Still, My Soul, Be Still

Still, my soul, be still and do not fear though winds of change may rage tomorrow.
God is at your side no longer dread the fires of unexpected sorrow.

God, You are my God, and I will trust in You and not be shaken.
Lord of peace, renew a steadfast spirit within me to rest in you alone.

Still, my soul, be still; do not be moved by lesser lights and fleeting shadows.
Hold on to His ways, with shield of faith against temptation’s flaming arrows.

God, You are my God, and I will trust in You and not be shaken.
Lord of peace, renew a steadfast spirit within me to rest in you alone.

Still, my soul, be still; do not forsake the truth you learned in the beginning.
Wait upon the Lord, and hope will rise as stars appear when day is dimming.

God, You are my God, and I will trust in You and not be shaken.
Lord of peace, renew a steadfast spirit within me to rest in you alone.

We sang that at church this past weekend, and it really hit home for me. My world has been rocked in the last few years. I moved internationally, quit my job, struggled with unemployment, got married and divorced. There’s been a lot of unknown, a lot of change, and a lot of fear. I recently learned of a rumor at the company where I work – which has since mutated into several rumors – that change is coming. It may look like layoffs (the original rumor), or enormous changes to the way business is conducted on a daily basis, or pay cuts, or a lot of things. I don’t know what the next few months hold for me, and that’s scary.

But I keep going back to one thing: God has always taken care of me.

I know He’ll take care of me through whatever the coming months bring too, even if it’s scary.

It’s hard to quiet your soul, hard to be still. For me, I keep clinging to a realization that I had shortly after the divorce. I have spent a lot of my life being unhappy, and it took one of the worst things I could have imagined happening (the man who vowed to love and cherish me leaving for another woman) for me to open my eyes and see that fact, and to then do something about it. I never would have expected a divorce to be the ultimate catalyst for healing and restoration in my life, but it was. God used it that way.

So if He can take me through the worst relationship experience that I could imagine, and leave me in a better place because of it?

Then I can trust that He can take me through the worst case scenario job situation, and leave me in a better place because of it too.

I don’t know what the future holds; I don’t know what change is coming, or how it will look. But I know that a Truth that will never change, and so I cling to that.

Still, my soul, be still.

Healing

January 21, 2012

“It’s hard to remember that it was so recent. Hearing you talk about it, it feels like it was ten years ago.”

A guy I’ve been dating for a few weeks said that to me this weekend. I can’t disagree with him. I often marvel that I’ve only been divorced three months – it feels like a lifetime ago. My ex walked out less than ten months ago.

It feels like a lifetime ago. It’s hard to explain to people who are just finding out that I’m divorced that I’m doing all right – although it is easier that I’m able to use the ambiguous “last year” when I tell them when it happened.

Moving on, I guess. Healing, I know.

Ready for the future, always looking forward.

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