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Realizing I’ve Changed

February 28, 2012

I can’t count the number of times I’ve told people that leaving a company I loved, a line of work I believed in, and a career in the making to come back to America and get married was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I had a job in sight that I was excited for, and would have excelled at. I had a twenty year plan, and marriage wasn’t part of it.

I got an email yesterday, letting me know that the job I would have had two years ago, if I hadn’t left, that job is opening up again this fall.

Two years ago, it was my dream job. Two years ago, I would have jumped at the chance, and loved every moment of it.

Now? I feel no peace, and a lot less tug on my heart than I expected to.

If it was really the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, walking away from that job, then shouldn’t I be making plans, buying plane tickets, updating my passport with no doubts or questions in mind? So why don’t I have the same passion for the Work that I used to?

I guess I’ve changed more than I thought.

I know that I smile more now, that I laugh harder, cry more easily, feel more deeply, but I’m realizing there have been other changes too. Some of it is a normal part of growing up, I think. I am more responsible now, more afraid of the repercussions to my resume and my 401K and my bank account balance. Stability is winning out over passion.

A coworker recently asked me (in recognition that my current position is a dead-end for me) what I wanted to do with my life. I told her I didn’t know. Her response was that your twenties are for dreaming, and no one knows until they’re in their thirties anyway. Only, I’ve stopped dreaming. All I want is stability. I’m tired of the unknown, the drama and the worry.

I guess this is like feeling deeper – I worry deeper now too. And I can’t decide whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

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