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February 17, 2012

One thing I still struggle with, despite the overwhelming number of people who tell me how positive my spin on life is right now, is resentment. I think this is normal, to an extent. I had a life and lifestyle expectations built around that life before all of this happened. When a marriage ends, it’s not just the heart that goes through turmoil.

I’m currently working and comfortably supporting myself, but my job is just a job – not a career – and I’ve got a constant eye on what else is out there. Many of the positions that appeal to me would mean accepting a significant pay cut. This is partially due to the fact that the nonprofit sector appeals to me, and partially that looking for a position that allows for more upward mobility than my current job (which offers none) might mean a lateral move is not an option – I might need to go down half a rung, to get in the door.

While job hunting, it’s hard to balance the desire to do work that one is passionate about, versus paying the bills at the end of every month. The latter cares for the body, the former for the soul.

Too often in the last several weeks, I’ve caught myself thinking along the lines of, “If I were still married, we would have his salary and mine would be more negotiable.” Obviously, it’s never easy to take a pay cut or to adjust your lifestyle downwards and thinking in “if only”s is not a productive way to move through life, but it’s a cycle that’s easy to get caught in.

I’m just frustrated with online applications, writing cover letters, and wondering when the soul crushing monotony will end.

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