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Pep Talk

April 29, 2011

Woke up at 4am again today. I hope this doesn’t last long.

Last night was really difficult. It’s hard to separate the fact that he has emotional issues from the fact that I am directly affected by his emotional issues. It’s hard to care and worry about him when I’m wondering why I always end up with guys who don’t seem to respect me.

The moment you choose to trust someone, you give them the ability to hurt you, and you can’t take that ability back. I trusted my husband so explicitly, thought he was the one guy who would never do this to me, that it still hurts all the time now. Worse at some times than others, of course, but nonetheless it hurts, a dull ache, all the time.

I had to talk myself out of the house this morning. I woke up unreasonably early, showered, and started getting dressed. Thirty minutes later, I found myself sitting on the couch, half-dressed, not sure how I got there. It was one of the worst mornings yet.

Even after seeing him, so cold and distant and smirking, laughing at the fact that I am suffering while he enjoys his new relationship, even so, I still find myself hoping that he’ll come back, start over, fall in love with me again.

Hope = hurt. If I didn’t have hope, it wouldn’t hurt so much. But I don’t know how to stop hoping.

This morning it took talking aloud to myself – “Now make a lunch to bring to work. Cut the apple. Make the sandwich. Put waffles in the toaster for breakfast.” If I stopped talking myself through the actions, I would drift off into thinking – mourning, really. At one point I stopped myself from hoping he would come back, and said aloud, “No, no lying to yourself. He’s lied enough for both of us.”

That was the self pep talk that got me out the door this morning.

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