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April 25, 2011

Besides feeling hollow all the time, I’ve also been thinking a lot about what the purpose of my life is. If I’m here simply because I have a job here, and I’m keeping my job here just so I can pay my rent and stay here, then that’s kind of crappy circular logic. And ultimately, that logic can be extended to all of life, not just life-in-DC-at-this-moment-for-me. If I’m only living to go to work every day, and I’m only working so that I don’t starve or freeze or otherwise die by neglecting my own physical needs…well, what’s the point?

Yesterday in church we sang “Because he lives”, which, while a very lyrically simple song, was a good reminder.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living, just because He lives
My faith lately has been, admittedly, very small and shallow, and at times I’ve found myself being either dismissive or accusatory with God. I miss having the depth of faith that I had in the past, and I miss feeling confident in that faith.
If there’s one thing that really gets me upset about what his leaving has done to me, it’s this loss of connection with God. I mean, the rest of it sucks. But this scares me, because God is supposed to be the constant in my life – that relationship isn’t supposed to be rocked by other relationships (even spousal ones) or their failings.
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