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Feeling Normal Again

April 19, 2011

I cannot live my life in grief, and my days are, gradually, beginning to feel more manageable and “okay”.

This is hard for me, because I recognize that it hasn’t been that long, so it feels weird to feel okay. I have the impression that I ought to be upset all the time, that I shouldn’t be able to move on, that I should be wrapped up in my personal tragedy 24/7.

But … I’m not.

A part of my world – a big part – is gone, that’s definitely true. But I have a lot of other people, many of whom have recently cropped up, and there are a lot of other things that define me. I am not defined by my marriage, and even if things were perfect right now, I shouldn’t be.

So I find myself focusing at work for longer, laughing at jokes, asking others how they are doing and actually hearing what they say. And sometimes I feel guilty about it, but mostly I am relieved to remember that there will be life again, and that someday I will feel normal all the time, not just in brief snatches here and there.

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