A year passed

What? I still have a blog?

…anyway.

It’s strange, how time has passed in the last year. It’s felt like so much longer than a year, in many ways. But then, I get keep getting little reminders. Friends’ babies turning one, who were born in the months following my ex’s departure. Wills and Kate’s anniversary, a year after their wedding made me, as a heartbroken newlywed, sick to my stomach.

A year ago Monday will be the day friends rallied around me and move all of his stuff out of my house. That’s the last time I’ve seen him, through a window. I haven’t run into him around town yet, which I am sometimes overly conscious of. I still have hopes that he’ll move away. I love it here, and honestly his presence is the only small downside I can find about this city. He seems to know well enough to stay out of my neighborhood, but I’ve been branching out more and more into other neighborhoods. I have no idea where he lives or hangs out. I don’t care, beyond not wanting to run into him. Friends still seem to find it necessary to tell me when they do.

But it’s been a long year. Feels like longer. I feel more healed than just a year out. I have more happiness than I ever imagined I would, a year ago. I am getting my life back on course, one piece at a time. Next up, my career; too long neglected.

It’s been a year, and I’ve come far.

Faith

The abundance of God is like a mighty ocean, so vast you cannot possibly exhaust it or cause a shortage for others.  You can go to this inexhaustible ocean with only a small cup and bring away only that small cup of bounty and blessing.  Or, if you have faith enough, you can take a bucket and bring away a bucketful.  It makes no difference to the ocean.Nor does it matter how often you go.  Abundance is always there.

-Henry T. Hamblin

We prevent God from giving us the great spiritual gifts He has in store for us, because we do not give thanks for daily gifts. We think we dare not be satisfied with the small measure of spiritual knowledge, experience, and love that has been given to us, and that we must constantly be looking forward eagerly for the highest good. Then we deplore the fact that we lack the deep certainty, the strong faith, and the rich experience that God has given to others, and we consider this lament to be pious. We pray for the big things and forget to give thanks for the ordinary, small (and yet really not small) gifts. How can God entrust great things to one who will not thankfully receive from Him the little things?

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Realizing I’ve Changed

I can’t count the number of times I’ve told people that leaving a company I loved, a line of work I believed in, and a career in the making to come back to America and get married was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I had a job in sight that I was excited for, and would have excelled at. I had a twenty year plan, and marriage wasn’t part of it.

I got an email yesterday, letting me know that the job I would have had two years ago, if I hadn’t left, that job is opening up again this fall.

Two years ago, it was my dream job. Two years ago, I would have jumped at the chance, and loved every moment of it.

Now? I feel no peace, and a lot less tug on my heart than I expected to.

If it was really the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, walking away from that job, then shouldn’t I be making plans, buying plane tickets, updating my passport with no doubts or questions in mind? So why don’t I have the same passion for the Work that I used to?

I guess I’ve changed more than I thought.

I know that I smile more now, that I laugh harder, cry more easily, feel more deeply, but I’m realizing there have been other changes too. Some of it is a normal part of growing up, I think. I am more responsible now, more afraid of the repercussions to my resume and my 401K and my bank account balance. Stability is winning out over passion.

A coworker recently asked me (in recognition that my current position is a dead-end for me) what I wanted to do with my life. I told her I didn’t know. Her response was that your twenties are for dreaming, and no one knows until they’re in their thirties anyway. Only, I’ve stopped dreaming. All I want is stability. I’m tired of the unknown, the drama and the worry.

I guess this is like feeling deeper – I worry deeper now too. And I can’t decide whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

A Thousand Years

A Thousand Years – Christina Perri

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

4 months

As of yesterday, I’ve been divorced (officially and legally finalized) for four months. The first three months, I noticed. Yesterday, I did not – in fact, I didn’t notice until someone in my support group asked how people felt 3, 6, 9 months or a year out – and I thought, “How long has it been now?” and checked the date.

I’m doing well, but I’m also aware that the next month and a half will bring a lot of “antiversaries” for me. Hopefully awareness can translate into handling them in an emotionally mature way.

ps – “antiversary” and “wasband” are two jargon-y words that I find to be awesome.

Resentment

One thing I still struggle with, despite the overwhelming number of people who tell me how positive my spin on life is right now, is resentment. I think this is normal, to an extent. I had a life and lifestyle expectations built around that life before all of this happened. When a marriage ends, it’s not just the heart that goes through turmoil.

I’m currently working and comfortably supporting myself, but my job is just a job – not a career – and I’ve got a constant eye on what else is out there. Many of the positions that appeal to me would mean accepting a significant pay cut. This is partially due to the fact that the nonprofit sector appeals to me, and partially that looking for a position that allows for more upward mobility than my current job (which offers none) might mean a lateral move is not an option – I might need to go down half a rung, to get in the door.

While job hunting, it’s hard to balance the desire to do work that one is passionate about, versus paying the bills at the end of every month. The latter cares for the body, the former for the soul.

Too often in the last several weeks, I’ve caught myself thinking along the lines of, “If I were still married, we would have his salary and mine would be more negotiable.” Obviously, it’s never easy to take a pay cut or to adjust your lifestyle downwards and thinking in “if only”s is not a productive way to move through life, but it’s a cycle that’s easy to get caught in.

I’m just frustrated with online applications, writing cover letters, and wondering when the soul crushing monotony will end.

Roses

An innocuous call from the receptionist, asking me to come to the front desk to pick up a package that had come for me interrupted my afternoon, and I don’t think I ever quite got back on track.

Two dozen red roses, carefully nestled between layers of paper lay in a long box, with a vase at the bottom. One of my work friends helped me open it and got the roses out. We giggled some. I blushed a lot.

Never have I had flowers delivered to me before, in a box or otherwise. Rarely have I been given flowers at all by the men in my life – I think my high school best friend and I used to give each other flowers more frequently than I’ve gotten them from any significant other.

Six weeks into a new relationship makes valentine’s an awkward holiday, and we’d agreed on no gifts. He sent me flowers at work. I baked him brownies. We’re going to dinner in half an hour, and every time I see these roses on my desk or catch a whiff of their fragrance, all I think is how excited I am to see him.

He makes me feel special, valued, cherished. Not just with roses on valentines, but with his words and actions each time I see him.

I like this one.