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I Won’t Give Up

August 2, 2012

Jason Mraz – I Won’t Give Up

When I look into your eyes
It’s like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There’s so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you’ve come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

And when you’re needing your space
To do some navigating
I’ll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

‘Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it
No, I won’t give up

I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not
And who I am

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up
Still looking up.

I won’t give up on us (no I’m not giving up)
God knows I’m tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We’ve got a lot to learn (we’re alive, we are loved)
God knows we’re worth it (and we’re worth it)

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

.

I hope that I get a chance to love someone so deeply someday.

Nora Ephron

June 28, 2012

If you have never been divorced, or never been cheated on, or never felt your life implode in an instant and stared at the wall through streaming tears and wondered why the house wasn’t caving in like it should be, to cover you in rubble and end your life the way it feels like it is ending, then you wouldn’t understand.

But if you wanted to, just a little bit, get what it feels like, read Nora Ephron. The woman had a way with words.

RIP, Nora.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nora-ephron/the-d-word_1_b_779626.html

Louis De Bernieres

June 11, 2012

Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.
– Louis De Bernieres

Words of Wisdom

June 5, 2012

“I think indifference may be the opposite of love but compassion is the beginning of recovery. I feel compassion for my ex for the things that he is suffering now. I don’t reach out to tell him that. I don’t offer to help in anyway. I just feel it.”

-

“In all the analysis, educated guessing, modeling and simulation you’ve done in your life, how well have you predicted your future so far? Did you think you would grow up, get married, get fucked over and get divorced? What makes you think that you can predict it any better now?

Imagine it great, imagine it awful. It’s your choice. Pay attention to yourself TODAY, your relationship today. And when you find yourself asking how you will feel in a year or two years or ten years or if you get fucked over again or if you get bored or if…

…just know that whatever you guess has as much chance as being an accurate picture of your future as the visions you had before your marriage.

It’s a crap shoot. Be smart, pay attention to TODAY, its gut feelings, its hope, its desire, its flags. And then let go of the outcome. Worry is borrowed trouble, much of which will turn out not to be yours!!! When you find yourself worrying/wondering, just ask yourself, “Ah, what the hell do I know anyway?”

Life will happen to you; living fully in today is what will create your best future. And my guess is it won’t be anything you’ve predicted so far. Hurt is part of life. If you try to protect yourself completely you only buy another kind of hurt, a life driven by fear.

My mentor always says, “Imagine your purpose in life, your biggest dreams. And know that you are underestimating yourself.” She means that whatever my biggest future is in my imagination, I can trust that my real future is meant to be greater (stronger, more soulful, deeper, more loving, more helpful, more “successful,” whatever…)

Let go of outcomes. Change is inevitable, you have to flow with it. Today is a good day to start. Is it sunny out? Is it Friday? Does your glass of tea taste good? Is the check out lady at the store smiling? Can you make her? Did your car start? Did your co-worker down the hall tell a funny story? You get the idea.

Infidelity has set me free in some ways. The pressure of living up to the image I had of a successful marriage, family, children, etc. was relieved when my ex-husband sucked the wind out of it all. So I’ve ruled that out, along with the expectations I had of myself to fulfill my part and succeed at it. Now on to my real life!”

-

“I had to learn to abandon the quest for a better past.”

A year passed

May 4, 2012

What? I still have a blog?

…anyway.

It’s strange, how time has passed in the last year. It’s felt like so much longer than a year, in many ways. But then, I get keep getting little reminders. Friends’ babies turning one, who were born in the months following my ex’s departure. Wills and Kate’s anniversary, a year after their wedding made me, as a heartbroken newlywed, sick to my stomach.

A year ago Monday will be the day friends rallied around me and move all of his stuff out of my house. That’s the last time I’ve seen him, through a window. I haven’t run into him around town yet, which I am sometimes overly conscious of. I still have hopes that he’ll move away. I love it here, and honestly his presence is the only small downside I can find about this city. He seems to know well enough to stay out of my neighborhood, but I’ve been branching out more and more into other neighborhoods. I have no idea where he lives or hangs out. I don’t care, beyond not wanting to run into him. Friends still seem to find it necessary to tell me when they do.

But it’s been a long year. Feels like longer. I feel more healed than just a year out. I have more happiness than I ever imagined I would, a year ago. I am getting my life back on course, one piece at a time. Next up, my career; too long neglected.

It’s been a year, and I’ve come far.

Faith

March 12, 2012
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The abundance of God is like a mighty ocean, so vast you cannot possibly exhaust it or cause a shortage for others.  You can go to this inexhaustible ocean with only a small cup and bring away only that small cup of bounty and blessing.  Or, if you have faith enough, you can take a bucket and bring away a bucketful.  It makes no difference to the ocean.Nor does it matter how often you go.  Abundance is always there.

-Henry T. Hamblin

We prevent God from giving us the great spiritual gifts He has in store for us, because we do not give thanks for daily gifts. We think we dare not be satisfied with the small measure of spiritual knowledge, experience, and love that has been given to us, and that we must constantly be looking forward eagerly for the highest good. Then we deplore the fact that we lack the deep certainty, the strong faith, and the rich experience that God has given to others, and we consider this lament to be pious. We pray for the big things and forget to give thanks for the ordinary, small (and yet really not small) gifts. How can God entrust great things to one who will not thankfully receive from Him the little things?

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Realizing I’ve Changed

February 28, 2012

I can’t count the number of times I’ve told people that leaving a company I loved, a line of work I believed in, and a career in the making to come back to America and get married was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I had a job in sight that I was excited for, and would have excelled at. I had a twenty year plan, and marriage wasn’t part of it.

I got an email yesterday, letting me know that the job I would have had two years ago, if I hadn’t left, that job is opening up again this fall.

Two years ago, it was my dream job. Two years ago, I would have jumped at the chance, and loved every moment of it.

Now? I feel no peace, and a lot less tug on my heart than I expected to.

If it was really the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, walking away from that job, then shouldn’t I be making plans, buying plane tickets, updating my passport with no doubts or questions in mind? So why don’t I have the same passion for the Work that I used to?

I guess I’ve changed more than I thought.

I know that I smile more now, that I laugh harder, cry more easily, feel more deeply, but I’m realizing there have been other changes too. Some of it is a normal part of growing up, I think. I am more responsible now, more afraid of the repercussions to my resume and my 401K and my bank account balance. Stability is winning out over passion.

A coworker recently asked me (in recognition that my current position is a dead-end for me) what I wanted to do with my life. I told her I didn’t know. Her response was that your twenties are for dreaming, and no one knows until they’re in their thirties anyway. Only, I’ve stopped dreaming. All I want is stability. I’m tired of the unknown, the drama and the worry.

I guess this is like feeling deeper – I worry deeper now too. And I can’t decide whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

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